Saving face

Doctors performed the first face transplant giving hope to ugly people everywhere and sending paper bag stocks way down in overnight trading.

Bruins trade Thornton

Trading your captain and best player for a collection of nobodies always works out.

Keith, keep your clothes on

Continuing with the NFL's plans to make sure no breasts appear during Super Bowl half-time, the league has tapped the Rolling Stones for the gig.

Can she stay up until midnight?

Hilary Duff joins Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest for what has to be the least watchable New Year's Eve countdown show in history. Why not add Ashley Simpson performing acoustically and secure that status?

You have no house, but you have email

I know what will make the people of New Orleans feel better for losing everything they own -- free wireless Internet access.

Yes, you do look fat in that

The average female backside has gotten so big that standard-sized needles can no longer be used for injections.

Beyond iPod

The iPod Nano gets all the press, but these slightly less hip players might meet your needs.

Here's a gift, now ignore this man in my bed

Tom Cruise has purchased a $20 million jet for Katie Holmes -- theoretically to allow her to visit him on movie sets easily. In related news, Holmes' Dawson's Creek co-star James van Der Beek just bought a roundtrip ticket on Southwest Airlines.

They have the simple part down

E! will revive The Simple Life using a format that keeps Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie apart. The two former friends aren't speaking. To fill the void, Hilton spends most of her time with her new pet monkey while Richie spends her days not eating.

An argument for chastity

A 15-year-old girl with a peanut allergy died after kissing her boyfriend, who had just eaten a peanut butter snack.

Lions fire Mariucci

Mooch is out after compiling a 15-28 record. Matt Millen somehow keeps his job despite having hired both Mariucci and his predecessor Marty Mornhinweg -- a coach of Rich Kotite level incompetence.

50 Things Every Guy Should Know How To Do chapter list

HOW TO GET DRESSED FOR A DATE
Carson Kressley, Member of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’s “Fab Five”
HOW TO MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
Carrot Top, comedian, product spokesperson
HOW TO GET A WOMAN TO DATE YOU
Britney Rears, Porn star
HOW TO COOK FOR YOUR WOMAN
Michael Symon, celebrity chef, Food Network host
HOW TO HAVE A THREESOME
Suzy Bauer, Author of Step by Step Threesome
HOW TO PICK AN ENGAGEMENT RING
Moshe Levy, Jeweler
HOW TO LAST LONGER IN BED
Peter North, Porn Star
HOW TO KNOW IF YOUR WIFE IS CHEATING ON YOU
Paul Dank, Owner of Advanced Surveillance Group and CheatingSpousePI.com
HOW TO CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE
Judith Brandt, Author “The 50 Mile Rule: Your Guide to Infidelity and Marital Etiquette"
HOW TO BALANCE WORK AND FAMILY
Wayne Parker, Professional speaker
HOW TO CARE FOR CHILDREN
Melvin Mora, Pittsburgh Pirate
HOW TO GET A DIVORCE
Sam Bradley, Divorce Attorney
HOW TO COACH A TEAM
Joe Walton, Head Coach Robert Morris, former coach of the New York Jets
HOW TO GET A JOB IN SPORTS
Bill Dwyer, Sports Editor, The Los Angeles Times
HOW TO THROW A PERFECT SPIRAL
Bernie Kosar, former Cleveland Brown
HOW TO PLAY NO LIMIT TEXAS HOLD 'EM
Amarillo Slim, poker legend
HOW TO WIN MORE (OR LOSE LESS) AT A CASINO
Bill Burton, Get the Edge at Low Limit Hold ‘Em, About.com Casino Gambling Host
HOW TO BET AT THE TRACK
Jerry Bailey, famous jockey
HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR GOLF GAME
Mark Blakemore, PGA Pro
HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR BOWLING GAME
Chris Barnes, PBA pro
HOW TO WIN (OR AVOID) A FIGHT
Jeff Jarrett, Pro wrestler
HOW TO GET A JOB
Nick Corcodilos, Asktheheadhunter.com
HOW TO START YOUR OWN BUSINESS
Stephanie Chandler, author
HOW TO TACKLE HOME IMPROVEMENTS
Kevin O’Connor, host of This Old House
HOW TO BUY A CAR
Jeff Ostruff, Consumer advocate, Cartips.com
HOW TO DECLARE BANKRUPTCY
Audrey Blondin, Connecticut Director of the National Association of Consumer Bankruptcy Attorneys
HOW TO BUY A HOUSE
Bill Janovitz, Realtor, lead singer of Buffalo Tom
HOW TO TRAVEL CHEAPLY
Sheryl Mexcic, Owner of Biddingfortravel.com
HOW TO GET OUT OF DEBT
Debby Fowles, Everything Personal Finance in Your 20s and 30s
HOW TO GET A TABLE AT A HOT RESTAURANT
Jonathan Waxman, celebrity chef, owner New York’s Barbuto
HOW TO ORDER THE RIGHT DRINK CORRECTLY
Dan Rogan, professional bartender
HOW TO PICK THE RIGHT BEER
Julie Bradford, Editor, All About Beer magazine
HOW TO PICK A WINE
Paul Wagner, professor
HOW TO WIN AN EATING CONTEST
Edward "Cookie" Jarvis, champion eater
HOW TO COOK A STEAK
Tiffany Collins, Executive Chef Texas Beef Council
HOW TO BEAT AN ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFET
Hank Fraley, starting center Philadelphia Eagles
HOW TO BUY CIGARS
James Yee, Cigar expert
HOW TO GET IN (OR BACK INTO) SHAPE
Mike Ryan, fitness trainer to the stars
HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT
Richard Simmons, diet guru
HOW TO SPEAK IN PUBLIC
Joe Tait, Play by play announcer for the Cleveland Cavaliers
HOW TO GET A MASSAGE
Christopher Hall, Licensed Therapist
HOW TO NEGOTIATE
Reed Bergman, agent
HOW TO CHANGE YOUR OIL AND FIX A FLAT TIRE
Memo Gidley, IRL driver, crew chief
HOW TO PIMP YOUR RIDE
Q, Manager of West Coast customs
Sidebar Robert V. Gay, Executive with Nationwide Insurance
HOW TO GET ON A REALITY SHOW
Mark Cronin, Producer The Surreal Life
HOW TO PICK A MOVIE
Leonard Maltin, famous critic
HOW TO SURVIVE ARMY BOOT CAMP
Rod Powers, retired Air Force sergeant
HOW TO TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT TOUGH TOPICS
Ethan Zohn, Survivor contestant, creator of Grassroots Soccer
HOW TO HANDLE BEING ARRESTED
Jack Bradley, Attorney
HOW TO SURVIVE TIME IN PRISON
Edward Bales, Chief Psychologist, Federal Prison Consultants

Buy 50 Things Every Guy Should Know How To Do

50 Things Every Guy Should Know How To Do is available from these fine online retailers:

Amazon.com
Barnes and Noble
Booksense

O.C. meet the FCC

Not being young or hip, we don't watch the O.C., so we missed Mischa Barton's naked breast.

Don't call it a comeback

Finally, someone has invented a clock that plays Pong.

Today China, tomorrow the moon

China hopes to be able to put a man on the moon in the next 15 years. After that, the nation hopes to invent color television, phones that work without wires and a computer so small it can be used in the home.

I'll kill you for that Cabbage Patch Kid

Shoppers crowded into stores this weekend beating each other up for the chance to buy crap that will be discarded the week after Christmas. Don't believe us? Just tell us what your Furby is doing now and we'll run a correction.

Meet the new Nightline

Ted Koppel has retired so the new Nightline crew debuts tonight. Expect less news, more in-your-face graphics and tons of reporters being sent to war zones so they can stand in front of them while delivering a report that easily could have been done in studio.