Call work and tell them I'm not coming

The XBox 360 comes out November 22. Cancel Thanksgiving and check on me in mid-December to make sure I still have a pulse.

She said she was 18

Police are searching for former rock star Gary Glitter due to his alleged relationship with a Vietnamese teenager. This will probably not serve as the basis for the long-awaited "Rock and Roll Part III."

Like a Starbucks in your house

Simple Human has introduced a single-serve coffee brewer that works with all the various coffee pods on the market.

Let them eat laptops

MIT has unveiled a $100 laptop that operates off electricity provided by a hand crank. The goal is to give the laptops to children in the poorest countries in the world, because when you have no food or shelter, at least you should be able to play Tetris.

Town changes name for free TV

A Texas town has changed its name to DISH in exchange for free satellite TV service for ten years. I'm calling my town council immediately to suggest that BMW, Connecticut has a nice ring to it.

He's nuts, bitch

Dave Chappelle admits that he's insane for walking away from a $50 million deal with Comedy Central.

Lousy magazine killed

Inside TV, a spin-off of TV Guide which was basically devoid of content, has been shuttered and it staff fired. Fortunately, this failed experiment only cost $35 million.

Oprah, Ebert, Ebert, Oprah

Roger Ebert and Oprah Winfrey once went on a date at a restaurant called Hamburger Hamlet. Nice to see the big man really splurging.

Ride and die

Studies show that roller coasters can trigger an irregular heartbeat, leading to death in people with cardiac conditions.

Welcome back, Welcome Back Kotter

You'll need a note from Epstein's mother. AOL plans to offer free episodes of Welcome Back Kotter and other classic shows for free on demand viewing.

Eddie Guerrero dies

At least Junkyard Dog has a little company ...

You can't use your hands

The Los Angeles Galaxy took the MLS soccer championship -- a title equivalent in prestige to the United Kingdom Basketball Association championship.

The sky really is falling

Chicken Little kicked 50 Cent's ass at the box office. Unfortunately, 50 Cent then shot Zach Braff in retaliation.

No nickname for you

Under no circumstances am I calling Kevin Federline "K-Fed." You have to earn a nickname and sleeping with Britney Spears doesn't qualify.